life and times of a lazy cook

figuring out life and my way around the kitchen, one misadventure at a time.

Archive for the tag “me me me”

guess what?

today i just don’t care. at all.

i counted my calories and ate 5 servings of produce.

i didn’t binge. or eat chocolate.

i worked out.

but i simply just do not care. if i stay the same weight this week. if i gain a pound. i just don’t.

what matters more is my life. and my education. and my sanity.

hopefully i’ll see that number go down, but if i don’t, i know why. i took in more than i put out.

hopefully i’ll snap out of this mind set. i want to achieve my goal weight. i want to lose these last 10 pounds.

but tonight, i just do not care.

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truth time.

the things i dislike about myself:

i’m too defensive.

i worry too much.

i can’t make up my mind.

i’m judgmental.

i’m lazy (hence the blog title).

i’m terrible with money.

sometimes i think i use people.

i’m the opposite of spontaneous.

i don’t volunteer or really do anything to help others.

i’m vain.

i can’t stand confrontation.

i don’t think i live my “best life” every day, or even most of the time.

i don’t remember how to do long division.

i can get very angry, but i hide it.

the things i like about myself:

i’m a good friend.

i’m an intelligent and thinking person.

i changed the things in my life that were making me unhappy.

i’m confident.

i try my hardest to always be authentic.

i’m sensitive.

i make a point to express my gratitude to my parents for everything they’ve done for me at every opportunity.

i’m independent.

i like meeting new people, and don’t find it very hard to talk to most people.

i’m strong.

i’m sentimental.

i’m emotional. VERY emotional.

i try to stay in touch with myself, and address the things i’m unhappy with.

i actually started this blog.

bad blogger

sorry i’ve been such a terrible blogger lately.

i mostly just felt like i’ve had nothing to say.

i’ve been in winter break hibernation mode. i’ve been reading trashy teen novels (for school). and i’ve been really entirely boring. except that i learned to make omelets, which i’m actually really excited about.

but i’m on track with le weight loss–i weighed in at 136 last thursday, which means apparently i lost 2 pounds last ween. what? i still don’t really believe that’s true.

but yes. i’ve recommitted to this blog. to recording my thoughts about health and weight loss and everything else that happens in my day.

speaking of the day…..today i ran 4 miles, when i set out to only run 3. and it felt great. and i feel back to normal (i’ve had a really annoying nagging sickness for the past week or so). my head feels normal so i feel like i can finally think again.

finally!

nard.

today my ex-boyfriend, first (and as of right now only) real love moved to boston. i had a dream about him last night. i honestly don’t know how i feel about this. i think on the one hand i used him as an emotional crutch. i’ll always care about him deeply and i know he’ll always feel the same. in fact, i have a feeling if i had ever wanted to get back together he would have been very happy.

we had a complicated relationship (aren’t they all really?) and a less-than-clean breakup (i.e. i was terrible and strung him along and punished him for things he had done to me in the past instead of making up my damn mind). and i really just don’t know. i never really saw him before now, but i hate that i CAN’T now.

i mean, i know i can/will see him again since all his family and friends are in the area…..but still. and i guess i kind of regret that i didn’t see him before he left. i saw him a few weeks ago, when he was super amazing and drove an hour to come and pick drunk, crisis-mode, crying me up.

what can i say….i’m an awesome ex-girlfriend.

but also i think seeing him would have been harder. i think i would have romanticized what we had/have. and decided i was in love with him again. because i tend to do that when things get tough.

i don’t really know why i’m posting about this, since it has entirely nothing to do with food, cooking or working out but here i am, writing.

i just still always pictured us together in the end. and maybe that will happen. but for now i guess that chapter is closed.

i’ve also decided to be done with the stupid man-child who was nonchalantly breaking my heart for the past three months. and i have a first date thursday night.

and let’s get real here, i’m 23. i SHOULD be single and dating right now.

well, at least thats what i keep telling myself.

hey there, 2012.

so i’ve finally emerged from my holiday coma and all of a sudden it’s 2012. i honestly never even got used to it being 2011. can i have 2010 back please? still in college with no real responsibilities….those were the days.

the funny thing about days like new year’s eve is that it’s really just one arbitrary day. yet we give it so much power. resolutions, traditions, superstitions. but really, why january 1st? if you want to make a change, any day will do.

although i started my so-called “fitness journey” last year in january, it really had nothing to do with the new year. or holiday indulgences. i was just unhappy and sick. and fat. i was talking with my family while i was home over the holidays and realized last year i was sick pretty much straight through from october until february. i must confess i worked with young children, but still. that’s excessive.

i don’t really know the point of this post. honestly while i was gone over the holidays i didn’t miss blogging. maybe because i turned my brain off. and because i’m still new to this whole thing.

tomorrow i’ll post a re-cap of sorts since i’ve been gone for FOREVER. but tonight, i’m being emo about life, drinking mimosas with my roommate in honor of the rose bowl i’m actively not caring about and watching the bachelor and pretty little liars. winter break is in full force.

december, 2010.

so yesterday in the shower i started thinking about what life was like a year ago.

i was caught in a dead-end relationship, overweight and unhealthy, super unhappy in both my jobs, and basically just stuck.

so what did i do? i put my big girl pants on,  stopped eating crap all the time, and started reading up on healthy eating choices. and lost 5 pounds right away. i joined a gym (and after a month or so i actually went) and signed up for weight watchers.

since then, i’ve truly come to enjoy health. i had that thought this morning while making my happy yummy banana oatmeal. although i still use an online calorie counter to help myself keep track on my intake, i eat what truly want to eat. i’ve learned what to do to make my body feel happy, and i enjoy the way good health feels.

today i honestly can’t even imagine treating my body the way i did a year ago. no wonder i was unhappy. i may still enjoy the same foods (tombstone stuffed crust pepperoni pizza, i’m looking at you), but once every few months is sufficient; not every week.

i’ve proved to myself i can make healthy choices, but still live a the life of a normal 23-year-old.

on saturday night i had a pint of ice cream for dinner. and it was awesome. but then on sunday i went for a nearly 5 mile run. for fun.

which is why, to be honest, i’m not that stressed about christmas and the associated food. i had this realization when i was mentally packing my lunch/dinner for my super fun full day of traveling tomorrow. i WANT to make healthy choices. in fact, it doesn’t really register as a choice at this point. i don’t have to force myself to pack hummus and leftovers for dinner instead of eating at the mcdonald’s in the train station. i have no desire to sacrifice all of my hard work. i want to eat the hummus.

so if this whole health thing is about finding balance, i think i’m there. no promises i won’t need a wake-up call down the road, but i’m feeling pretty good today.

why running is awesome.

so i’m not really sure what to write about today–i’m having leftovers for dinner, doing nothing fun (aka finishing my last final paper) and in general not feeling too fancy. probably because i’ve been wearing sweats, glasses and zero makeup for about two weeks now. thanks grad school.

so. i’m writing about why i love running. i never thought i would think about loving running, let alone write it. in a blog.

i literally hadn’t run since my 9th grade p.e. teacher forced me to do a (very slow) mile until this august. now i’m planning on doing a half marathon in september.

so how did i get here?

well i discovered running is awesome for these reasons:

1. it makes me feel like a boss.

2. it’s a handy excuse to be outside in the 4 months a year milwaukee has  bearable nice weather.

3. running = meditation/alone time/emotional breakdown time (yes, i have cried on a run)/general sanity.

4. unlike most things in life, i actually keep getting better at it.

5. it makes me more confident i can escape muggers/rapists/kidnappers/serial killers. i literally thought about this today on the treadmill. like “oh yeah, i can run so fast now i’ll definitely never be murdered.” yes, i know.

6. it drastically changed my body for the better.

7. i am truly tired at the end of the day and sleep like a baby.

8. as much as we complicate it–it’s simple. one foot in front of the other. repeat. just run.

backbone. i.e. getting one.

while this blog is generally geared towards the outward trappings of a healthy lifestyle; balanced diet, exercise, etc. i firmly believe that a healthy lifestyle comes from the inside. more specifically, from the mind. i feel like we can all attest to the fact that our outward bodies reflect how healthy our mental state is. i know on my road to good health, i’ve become a much happier, more confident person. i’ve worked through a bunch of that emotional ickiness tied up with extra weight, but here’s my big remaining issue.

people pleasing. first of all, i find it odd i am such a people pleaser. i’m a very outgoing, assertive, opinionated person, but when it comes to interpersonal relationships i am such a baby. honestly i’m  such a non-confrontational pushover it really bothers me. but i can’t seem to be able to do anything about it.

if it only took awareness of our faults to fix them, wouldn’t the world be awesome?

with friendships i often let things simmer slowly until i blow up. right now, i’m living with a girl who had a lot of little habits that really bother me/piss me off, and yet i have done nothing about it but bitch to my friends, which ultimately does nothing but become a big wedge between me and my roommate

in romantic relationships, it’s really just ridiculous. with the guy i was most recently seeing, my best friend was basically beside herself with joy when i actually managed to have a “what are we doing here” talk with him. while that whole situation didn’t turn out the be a fairy tale (as i’m very much single at the moment), i was also really proud of myself for bringing it up. for the first time ever.

i had a serious boyfriend for a few years in college, and since we still keep in (occasional) touch and are on good terms he’s told me that one thing about me in our relationship that bothered him a lot was that i didn’t/wouldn’t stand up for myself. his point was that the person he fell in love with was the assertive girl who says exactly what’s on her mind, even when it’s the “wrong” thing. when your ex-boyfriend tell you that, it’s bad.

i’ve talked it over with said best friend, another close friend, my guy best friend and my own subconscious time and time again and i simply just don’t understand.

fear of confrontation? fear of abandonment? fear of being yelled at? all of the above?

whatever it is. i need to figure out how to fix it. functioning adults tell people what’s on their mind. and the whole goal is to actually become an adult as i get older, not remain a pathetic little non-confrontational baby.

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